Abuse survivors and the need to control
Many common themes run through the lives of those who have suffered trauma in early childhood. Feelings of being out of control- issues in fact with control itself, are very common. Many survivors “pretend” they are stronger, more assertive and more in control than they actually feel… this mask gives a false sense of safety and security. Because it’s a facade, the pain of what happened is exacerbated by the mask that needs to be worn all the time. It’s an exhausting circle of hide and seek with the self and others.
Some people decide to grasp control through extensive discipline and reproach. Limiting of nutrients and sustenance through diet and exercise is a common way that unresolved issues with control manifest. ….Anorexia, bulimia, cutting, bruising…. all coping mechanisms meant to give this false sense of safety.
While the root of the issue with control is the silence that abuse engenders; the very idea of “speaking up” is difficult for some; especially if this method was tried before but the message fell on deaf ears.
Parents and loved ones don’t always deny an abuse story because they don’t believe it- the denial comes from their own sense of guilt and shame from being the person who “allowed it to happen”.
Denial and/or the lack of support-full understanding from those close create the feeling of a deficit within the abused person which leads to the desire to “replicate and change” the outcome of the abuse and subsequent reactions to the abuse by replaying it in present day situations with the hope that they are finally “good enough” to attain a different result. This is a self defeating exercise.
Trying to change a toxic situation into a positive one only fuels and triggers the toxicity already present. To change the situation, one must move from it.
Healing from trauma is a process that is constantly spiraling back to itself. We reach new levels of understanding as we revisit the pain to gain the extra wisdom hidden within.
We can only reach others as deeply as we reach ourselves. Survivors are the deepest healers because they have had to reach deep within themselves, to the darkest spots; soothing them with loving kindness, compassion, joy and freedom (the four elements of love).
~acknowledge, accept, release, repeat~
If you are a survivor looking for more, looking for a place of safety within yourself, looking for a divine purpose…. find your breathe… silence your mind… and allow the universe to reside inside.
With love
Erin
Interesting…. while we honor our mothers today, it’s important to also honor our own journey. The faults of others play out within our lives as we heal from childhood. Our mothers may not have been perfect, we may not be perfect as mothers, but we can continue on the journey of healing by accepting and releasing what does not serve us. It’s time to remove the cords that connect us to childhood perceptions played upon us by other souls also in the process of healing.